what is my mistake? please help!

[Maru]

Hi Torsmamma!

Yes, we have made a lot of progress!! I'm SO happy about it! Thank you Anna, your theory really works for us!)

I have cut down her evening sleep for a week ago, she sleeps only 20 min there - is that ok? or shall i cut down more?


thank you so much for your support, TorsMamma, you could only emagine how mush it helps!!

the mornings go very much ok now, some somplaining her and there, but not a nightmare anymore! I hope it stays that way!!

what is the 8-month anxiety ?

Olga

[MikeysMum]

Hi Olga

At around eight or nine months, the child changes. Sometimes this change is not particularly striking; often it's very dramatic. Psychologists call it separation anxiety. Parents can tell tales of eight and nine-month-old children who burst into tears at the sight of someone they merrily babbled to only a couple of days previously...who had always preferred to be comforted by their mothers if they were hurt or disappointed, but who now stretch out their arms to Dad, even when they are securely ensconced on Mom's lap...
Parents have described physical symptoms; trembling, strange rashes, violent movements at regular intervals...all of which are expressions of anxiety. Sudden physical fragility that manifests itself in fevers, cramps, vomiting etc. is also characteristic of this age...
Parents have also told horror stories about children who, after sleeping soundly through the night for months, suddenly start to wake up, cry, fuss, and generally show signs of distress night after night. Nights become disrupted and increasingly difficult to cope with.

According to Anna's theory of repeated pregnancy, there is another birth at eight to nine months of age - not a physical birth, but a psychological one...This psychological birth, when the child has to confront itself, is no less dramatic than the physical birth when the child had to confront the world - both are painful, disorienting, traumatic transformations. With the eight-month 'birth' something irrevocable happens. The Self is born, and the world is changed forever. The child is no longer a part of the space that surrounds him and with which he has become familiar. The child now stands as a separate entity in that space and directs his gaze towards it and towards his own newly acquired self. This gives rise to agonizing uncertainty - as facing the unknown always does...A child who has been reborn with a 'self' is sensitive to stress and any demand that is out of the ordinary. Eight to nine months is not the time to place demands and expectations on your child...

To be reborn with a self is to become conscious of one's separateness. I am someone. Dad is someone else, and Mom is someone else. I am a person. Mom and Dad are other people. I am not like them. I am like me, unique...I think, I feel, I am.
What does the child do with this knowledge? He severs himself from the rest of the world. He is irrevocably detached. He is in the world, but as an "I", not as a part...The eight month old still belongs to his surroundings...but he is no longer a part of all these things. He is present but detached.

A child needs time to grasp and adjust to the change that occurs when the Self is born...But...does not have a fully developed intellect to fall back on. A baby can't reason and say to itself, "My Self has been born. That is why I feel so strange. Soon I will feel better. All the other babies who have suddenly acquired Selves tell me so."...
In the absence of intellect and the common sense born of experience, children this age very easily become frightened...This fear can find its expression in any number of ways. What was once familiar can, at certain times and under certain conditions, become terrifying for the child. It might be anything: mother's laugh, father's beard, the sound from the music box, a much loved teddy bear...and, not least, the child's own sense of self.

During this period (which lasts for about a month):
- Don't interpret unexpected changes and problems that seem to come out of nowhere as indications that something is seriously wrong. Watch and wait...Soon the child will be on his way to becoming a tough little one-year-old who likes himself, even if he still isn't sure exactly who this new found "self" is.
- Nights that have been peacefully somnolent can become wakeful. Your rule of thumb should be: once is a coincidence, twice is a habit. Leave the door ajar and speak reassuringly from outside the child's room. "Now it's time to sleep. Everything is fine. I'll see you in the morning." Leave a light on outside the room, but don't go in. Don't give your child a pacifier, and don't pick him up.
- A fear of strangers is often very pronounced. Respect it! Children this age will in no way be negatively affected by not associating with adults (or other children)...Your child is experiencing no small amount of internal turbulence. Try to make his external environment as placidly familiar as possible.
- Swallow your pride if and when your child prefers someone else over you. Give your child a hug or a kiss all the same to show him he can count on you and your love, but don't make an issue out of the rejection. Wait for better times.
- Don't be afraid if your child becomes aggressive. A child must be allowed to react to a change that is this terrifying. But don't let your child hit you, or anyone else...Violence must be fought with love. Take the little hands that are hitting and make them stroke instead, or gently hold them down and kiss and stroke your child.
- Abandon any plans you might have to introduce new people or new environments into the child's life during this period...Your highest priority should be the maintenance of a peaceful, stable external environment in order to offset the brutally chaotic internal environment that your child is coping with.
- Treat your child as you always have - don't express disapproval, but don't smother him with sympathy either.

:santa: :santa: :santa:

[Maru]

Hi again

Thank you very much for the explanation, i'll keep it in mind and i'm sure i'll be re-reading it over again when this time comes for us)))

Our story continues

We were on a 3-week trip, staying in a hotell. This hotell thing gave me a perfect excuse to spoil a lot in our bed rutines:

1. We were in different places on different days, and it was pretty warm all the time, so all the day naps she was rocked into. (Almost always in time though)

2. The evening bed time we spoil even more: by the time she went to bed - we went to the restaurant to have dinner. So she had to sleep in the stroller every beginning of her night. She was also naturally rocked to sleep, because we didn't want to leave her in the stroller alone. (excuses, excuses...)

3. But the most horrible thing we did with the nights and mornings! As i said it was pretty warm, during the nights too. Nobody slept well the first couple of nights until we got used to it. Neither did our little one. She was complaining several times a night. As we tried to NOT do anything but jingle, she started crying very loudly... After two nights we got complaints from neighbors, and here it comes:::: we couldn’t come with anything wiser then fanning her to sleep. During the nights it went ok, but the mornings were gradually ruined completely!!. By the end of our trip we’ve got the following result: our little angel woke up at about 6 and from that time until the “wake up time” (7.30) she would only be quiet if you stand over her and hold her down. So here how it was: she complains, we jump up, hold her down, she gets quiet (neighbors – remember!?), we hold a little more, she falls asleep, we go to bed (quietly, no jingle..), some minutes go by – and we are back in the evil circle. We got so tired of it that we did even worse couple of times – I pretended the morning was there earlier, gave the little one breast and let the girl sleep beside me, so I made one more happy morning when the real time came. That was really the time we needed your advice from this forum here, but we unfortunately had no internet access there.

So now we are back and “paying our bills”. I had to start over with the bed time routine, it is now back to normal again, and if Papa reads out loud in the room next to her bedroom, the girl falls asleep much faster))) I am even thinking to record his voice, so if he is not at home, I can play him))) What do you think about it guys?

The mornings are not ok though, still, 2 weeks after we came back. She would normally wake up at around 6.30 – 7.00, and complain until the wake up time comes. No matter what I do or don’t do! Jingling, playing loud music, making noises, singing, talking…. Nothing! She doesn’t really wake up, she would just complain half asleep first, and then it escalates and she gets upset. When she gets upset, I get in, fan, jingle and go out again. If I don’t go in, she “hangs” in crying… And when I’m out, she complains again, and gets upset. Same stupid circle! And now I really do not know what to do…

The most horrible thing is that she is upset when I go in her room to “wake her up”… and I pick up an unhappy child, although I PLAY happy…. She wouldn’t smile to me until she has eaten(( Please help!!!

And one more question about the schedule: I have to wake her up after every nap she has during the day, and she doesn’t seem to have slept enough, she is not in the mood and looks very much she is still tired…. Any thoughts about that?... (she goes to bed 20.00, the morning is at 7.30, naps: 9.30-10.15; 13.00-14.30 and 17.00-17.20) The girl is turning 8 months tomorrow.

Looking forward to your answers!))

[TorsMamma]

Hi, what an ordeal you got yourself into. The way to get out of it is to do what we call a “miniature cure”. You start from night 2 on the cheat sheet.

http://www.annawahlgren.com/index.php/v ... heat-sheet

Also I think you might be experiencing some “8-month anxiety” you can read all about it in the book “For the love of children” which I highly recommend you to buy.

Here is a tiny bit from the book just as an appetizer.

A few final words to sum up:
• Don’t interpret unexpected changes and problems that seem to come out of nowhere as indications that something is seriously wrong. Watch and wait. Remember the symptoms can also be physical. The eight-month anxiety will diminish and disappear after approximately one month. Soon the child will be on his way to becoming a tough little one-year-old who likes himself, even if he still isn’t sure exactly who this new found “self” is.
• Nights that have been peacefully somnolent can become wakeful. Your rule of thumb should be: once is a coincidence, twice is a habit. Leave the door ajar and speak reassuringly from outside the child’s room. “Now it’s time to sleep. Everything is fine. I’ll see you in the morning.” Leave a light on outside the child’s room, but don’t go inside. Don’t give your child a pacifier, and don’t pick him up. (See “Problems? Sleep” in Part five in For the Love of Children.)
• A fear of strangers is often very pronounced. Respect it! Children this age will in no way be negatively affected by not associating with adults (or other children). Don’t fall prey to fear mongering by the people around you. “He has to be around other people, or he’ll be scared of them for the rest of his life!” No, he absolutely will not. Your child is experiencing no small amount of internal turbulence. Try to make his external environment as placidly familiar as possible.
• Swallow your pride if and when your child prefers someone else over you. You can be rejected in ways that will cut you to the quick. Give your child a hug or a kiss all the same to show him he can count on you and your love, but don’t make an issue out of the rejection. Wait for better times. A new mother can harbor feelings of both love and hate, and wish both life and death on her baby. Such contradictory feelings plague a child who has given birth to a self.
• Don’t be afraid if your child becomes aggressive. A child must be allowed to react to a change that is this terrifying. But don’t let your child hit you, or anyone else for that matter. Violence and destructive tendencies must be fought with love. Take the little hands that are hitting and make them stroke instead, or gently hold them down and kiss and stroke your child. Calmly and clearly show him you love him no matter what, and then leave him in peace. Stop your child from hurting himself. If he’s banging his head against the sides of his crib, don’t skimp on the padding, but don’t try to stop the banging itself.
• Abandon any plans you might have to introduce new people or new environments into the child’s life during this period. Find other less traumatic solutions. Your highest priority should be the maintenance of a peaceful, stable external environment in order to offset the brutally chaotic internal environment that your child is coping with.
• Treat your child as you always have – don’t express disapproval, but don’t smother him with sympathy either. Don’t try to “comfort” him. Treat your child the way you would treat a new mother. A new mother needs attention but not pity. The people around her should be prepared to ensure the demands placed on her are kept to a minimum, but they shouldn’t declare her mentally incompetent. Just like the new mother, a child who has given birth to a self benefits most from a familiar and fairly simple daily routine and an environment that offers affectionate support and peace, not aggravation.
What psychologists call separation anxiety is, in my opinion, the -reaction on the part of the child to the birth of its self out of the old and familiar, where the child was a part of an enveloping whole, just as he was a part of the mother’s body when he was in the womb.
I don’t think the child’s psychological fragility has its origins in a fear of losing his mother any more than a new mother’s psychological fragility has its origins in a fear of losing her newborn child.

[Maru]

Hi TorsMamma


I have read about the "8 month anxiety", it was very useful information! For now it seems like we haven't reached it yet))


I do have questions as usual:

1. What do you think about the bed-time, that
Papa reads out loud in the room next to her bedroom? is that against the rules? Our little girl does fall asleep much faster)))
2. I am even thinking to record his voice, so if he is not at home, I can play him))) What do you think about it?


3. Any suggestions about the mornings? Here is what we have: She would normally wake up at around 6.30 – 7.00, and complain until the wake up time comes. No matter what I do or don’t do! Jingling, playing loud music, making noises, singing, talking…. Nothing! She doesn’t really wake up at once, she would just complain half asleep first, and then it escalates and she gets upset. When she gets upset, I get in, fan, jingle and go out again. If I don’t go in, she “hangs” in crying… And when I’m out, she complains again, and gets upset. Same stupid circle!

5. Any thoughts how to change that she is upset when I go in her room to “wake her up" ? I pick up an unhappy child, although I PLAY happy…. She wouldn’t smile to me until she has eaten((

6.And one more question about the schedule: I have to wake her up after every nap she has during the day, and she doesn’t seem to have slept enough, she is not in the mood and looks very much she is still tired…. Any thoughts about that?... (she goes to bed 20.00, the morning is at 7.30, naps: 9.30-10.15; 13.00-14.30 and 17.00-17.20)

Looking forward to your answers!

[TorsMamma]

Hi TorsMamma


I have read about the "8 month anxiety", it was very useful information! For now it seems like we haven't reached it yet))


I do have questions as usual:

1. What do you think about the bed-time, that
Papa reads out loud in the room next to her bedroom? is that against the rules? Our little girl does fall asleep much faster)))

2. I am even thinking to record his voice, so if he is not at home, I can play him))) What do you think about it?


3. Any suggestions about the mornings? Here is what we have: She would normally wake up at around 6.30 – 7.00, and complain until the wake up time comes. No matter what I do or don’t do! Jingling, playing loud music, making noises, singing, talking…. Nothing! She doesn’t really wake up at once, she would just complain half asleep first, and then it escalates and she gets upset. When she gets upset, I get in, fan, jingle and go out again. If I don’t go in, she “hangs” in crying… And when I’m out, she complains again, and gets upset. Same stupid circle!

5. Any thoughts how to change that she is upset when I go in her room to “wake her up" ? I pick up an unhappy child, although I PLAY happy…. She wouldn’t smile to me until she has eaten((

6.And one more question about the schedule: I have to wake her up after every nap she has during the day, and she doesn’t seem to have slept enough, she is not in the mood and looks very much she is still tired…. Any thoughts about that?... (she goes to bed 20.00, the morning is at 7.30, naps: 9.30-10.15; 13.00-14.30 and 17.00-17.20)

Looking forward to your answers!

Hi,

1. Normally we don’t like for parents to rely on “props”. But in this case you can do it for a short time, but as always you need to take a step back and give the child some confidence in sorting some things out themselves.
2. This doesn’t seem like a good Idea, you need to find your way, in this, preferably in a routine that works.
3. If you read other threads especiall this one, Annas answer applies to you too.
http://www.annawahlgren.com/forum/viewt ... 325#235325
4. …
5. Wait with picking up from the bed until the child is at least calm or catching its breath. Try calming in the bed and then pick up in a calm moment. By picking up an unhappy child you only confirm the two things. You get picked up unhappy and the wolves are here we need to rescue you.
6. You have about 30 minutes of too little time on the schedule. I would recommend you to put the child to sleep 30 minutes earlier which can only (if anything) affect the bad mornings positive.

So now do the mini-cure and follow it, don’t introduce any new props, use the tools you have and make sure to not traffic too much in the mornings. You need to keep the wolves out of the bedroom here. This is a child CRYING for some answers to its questions and now is the time to start answering them. FIRMLY, CALMLY and POSITIVLY.